A. I have no idea. I would start with Amazon.com (don't forget to try Amazon UK as well as Amazon France and Amazon Germany). Then I would try eBay. Save your search and wait. I have found incredibly rare cd's at eBay after waiting more than a year. Also, try Google. The search results can include used cd shops and other specialised websites. BTW, when I come up in the search results do not write to me asking to pirate or buy my cd because the answer is still no.

Q. I noticed you have a copy of (insert random cd name here). I am thinking of buying that cd, please tell me all about it.

A. No.

Q. I noticed you have several recordings by different performers of Bach Concertos/Mozart Symphonies/Haydn Sonatas/Scarlatti Sonatas/whatever. How does the incredibly cheap one compare with the expensive ones?

A. I have no interest in sending you an analysis of which recordings that I own are better than each other. Better is subjective. If you can't afford the expensive ones then buy the cheap ones. Most people can't tell the difference anyway.

A. Why would I do that? I enjoy my art collection, I can't think of why I would want to sell it.

A. No, do your own homework.

Q. Ok, then just one question: what is the answer to 1 + 1?

A. Get some therapy.

Q. I heard a piece of music on the radio last night at 8:15, can you tell me what it was and where I can buy it?

A. How the hell would I know that? Get some therapy.

Q. I had a tape of some music by Bach 20 years ago but forget what it was. It had violins in it. Can you tell me what it was?

A. Are you nuts? Get some therapy.

Q. I inherited some really old Bach records. Can you tell me what they're worth?

A. To you they are obviously worth nothing. To the rest of the world, I have no idea.

A. There were several reasons: it was tedious to update and the quality of the submissions had steadily declined over the years. Also, when I started jsbach.org there were no lists of Bach recordings or reviews on the web but now there are so I don't see a reason to continue spending my time updating the site with "this is the best recording of Bach ever" when there are many other sites available for that.

Q. What happened to the last few submissions?

A. I deleted them. When I got to the 5th "this is the best recording ever" I made my decision to stop updating the site. Thanks for that, btw. I might have kept doing it forever if the comments weren't so idiotic.

Q. But it is the best recording ever!

A. No, it isn't. Just because you think it is doesn't make it true. Get some therapy.

Q. I saw a recording of (enter Bach music name) by (enter obscure musician no one has ever heard of) on the J.S. Bach Home Page. Where can I get a copy of that cd?

A. It's called a store. Find one. Oh right, cd stores suck. Then try Amazon.com or .co.uk or .fr or .de. If none of the Amazons have it try eBay. If Ebay doesn't have it then try Google but when I come up in the search again please move on.

Q. I read your negative review at The J.S. Bach Homepage of (insert random musician here) and I think you are an ignorant cretin.

A. I didn't like your favorite Bach recording? Too bad. Get over it. Get a life. Get some therapy.

Q. I saw one of your Bach recording reviews at another web site selling cd's/pirating cd's/on eBay. Do you endorse buying those cd's at those web sites?

A. The ones who asked for my permission, maybe. If you see a review by me on the actual artist's or record label's web site then there is a possibility they asked permission. Otherwise there is a very good chance they simply reprinted my review without asking or even telling me. In all cases, the other web site is not run by me and I am not involved in any way, including financially, with that other web site.

Q. I found some very wrong information in the data at The J.S. Bach Homepage. I know everything about Bach, I am an expert.

A. Bach experts are a dime-a-dozen. Unfortunately, the sources for the data at The J.S. Bach Homepage are inconsistent, contradictory and often inaccurate. I have no choice but to include the data that exists since Bach is dead and I can't ask him which is right and which is just plain nuts. Also, the cd reviews section contains exactly what the person submitting the information sent. Garbage in/garbage out. If you have found an error and would like to let me know about it politely then please do. Otherwise please shut the fuck up.

A. I am not a book store or a library. Next time pick a school topic that has the resources you need available to you.

Q. But my teacher assigned this topic to me.

A. Tell your teacher that I said they are a clueless fool.

Q. I have a school assignment about Doris Lessing and have questions for her, will you give me her home address?

A. No. Do your own homework.

Q. I would like to write Doris Lessing a fan letter.

A. You can send her your fanmail c/o her agent. They're very nice and forward all letters to Doris.

Q. I need to contact Doris Lessing for professional reasons (translations, personal appearance requests, etc.).

A. Please contact her agent.

Q. I want Doris Lessing's email address.

A. She doesn't have email.

Q. I need to contact Margaret Drabble for professional reasons.

A. Please contact her agent. You can send fanmail there too.

Q. I don't like something that Doris Lessing said in one of her books/in an interview/in a newspaper/on tv/on the radio and I think you are an ass for promoting her.

A. You send hate-mail to complete strangers and I'm an ass? Please tell your therapist to increase the dosage on your medication.

A. I am not a travel service. Please stay home and get some therapy.

Q. I am very jealous of your life in London. I was in London in 1992 and met a very nice guy who lives.. somewhere (I can't remember). Do you know him? Does he remember me?

A. Yes, I do know him. And he does remember you and says that you should get some therapy.

Q. I am very jealous of your life in London. I will be moving there next year and was wondering: how is it living there? How do you pay rent, water, utilities, ect... How expensive is it really?

A. If you read my blog and are still asking how is it living there? then you need some therapy. You pay rent, water, utilies, etc. (it's etc. btw) by check, direct debit or credit card. Sort of identical to the way you pay them in the U.S. It's another country, not another planet. How expensive is it really? Really, really expensive. In fact, it's so expensive you might think about staying home and spending your money on therapy instead.

A. You should have sent it through the formal submission process because I listened to it and I think it totally sucks. Don't quit your day job.

Q. But my music is great, you'll like it. I'll email it directly to you.

A. Don't. All music submissions sent directly to me rather than the Magnatune submission process will be deleted upon receipt. I have a life.

A. Well, I'm not really, I'm just written that way. I'm truly baffled by most of the email I get which consists of people asking for stuff they have no right to be asking for. There is an attitude of entitlement on the internet that really annoys me. I guess it reflects real life, where selfish entitlement has become the norm. Nobody wants to do anything for themselves if they can get someone else to do it for them.

I've been receiving the same kind of idiot email requests since 1994. One person even wanted me to send her a piano. I'm not kidding.